


What Is and What Is Meant to Be

by itotallyhaveworktodo



Category: Men's Football RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Girlfriends/No Wives, Angst with a Happy Ending, Everyone Is Gay, M/M, Transfer Window
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:28:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26908900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itotallyhaveworktodo/pseuds/itotallyhaveworktodo
Summary: Kai signs with Chelsea and experiences the challenges that come with moving countries, especially what happens when you leave your boyfriend behind. Mistakes are made, things are said, and pain is real. Kai and Julian learn getting to what is meant to be is not an easy journey.
Relationships: Brief Kai Havertz/Timo Werner, Julian Brandt/Kai Havertz, Mario Götze/Marco Reus
Comments: 6
Kudos: 27





	What Is and What Is Meant to Be

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fivesecrets](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fivesecrets/gifts).



> I did not intend this pic to turn into what it did! I meant it to be a quick little one-shot of my favorite pair, but instead it turned into a rather long and detailed one-shot. I am very proud of it though. I honestly didn't think I had this long of a fic in me. I don't have a beta so there's probably a ton of errors-sorry
> 
> Lastly this is for fivesecrets whose work made me fall in love with this pairing. Good luck at Uni! 
> 
> About this universe:  
> In this universe (I can't remember how it went down in reality) Mario transferred to Bayern from Dortmund the year before Mats.  
> Everyone is gay, literally everyone  
> The characters are all fictional and this is no way meant to be a representation of real life

Kai was nervous arriving for national team camp. He knew it was only a matter of days before he would be leaving for London. He hated that he wasn’t able to spend his last few days as a Leverkusen player at home, at the club that gave him everything. He was glad he would be with Jule when the call finally came.

_Jule_. Kai hadn’t seen his boyfriend in weeks due to COVID protocols and Kai was anxious. He wanted nothing than to spend all day everyday with the love of his life like they used to. Kai knew Julian wasn’t entirely sure how he felt about Kai going to England, but he also knew Jule wanted what was best for Kai.

Kai had arrived before Julian and put his stuff in their room. Not really caring what bed he “claimed” knowing they would end up crammed into one. Kai didn’t unpack either, knowing he might have to re-pack at any second.

Kai went back down to the lobby and waited for the moment Julian arrived. He wanted to throw his arms around his boyfriend and hold on for dear life. And then take him upstairs to their room and make out until dinner. He also had to give him the update. It was almost done. He was almost a Chelsea player.

Interestingly when the Dortmund players arrived for camp, Kai was one of the last to notice. It was only when he heard Julian’s laugh did he realize his boyfriend had finally arrived. Kai jumped up and ran over to him throwing his arms around him. Julian returned the embrace just as enthusiastically. The two finally separated laughing when Emre Can said, “Go to your room if you want to get all sappy!”

“Oh, we will!” Kai responded. He picked up Julian’s suitcase and he led the way to their way to room. “I just threw my stuff on the far bed. I didn’t unpack anything yet.” Kai added as he unlocked their door.

“That’s fine. We’ll share a bed anyway.” Julian replied, taking his bag from Kai and setting it on the same bed Kai had placed his on earlier. Julian turned then and looked at Kai. “I’ve missed you so much.” He added before kissing his boyfriend and pulling him towards the empty bed.

Kai gave in without a fight, content to let Julian take the lead. “Jule, missed you, so much, fuck Jule don’t stop.” Kai managed to get out between kisses and Julian’s not so subtle grinding. Kai was hard in an embarrassingly short amount of time, though he could feel that Julian wasn’t fairing any better. Kai moaned when Julian thrust down properly for the first time. Kai responded by removing Julian’s shirt and then his own. Their pants didn’t last much longer.

“God, Kai I want you so bad. Been too long, but Low will kill me if I fuck you” Julian complained as Kai kissed his neck.

“Shut up and kiss me then.” Kai barely got the words out before Julian did exactly that.

Julian knew Kai’s body well enough to know exactly how to get the younger man off without actually fucking him. It didn’t take long for Kai to turn into a whimpering mess underneath his boyfriend. When Kai came back to reality Julian was laying half on top of him completely spent. “You good Jule?”

“Yeah. You okay Havey?” Julian asked brushing Kai’s curls out of his eyes.

“Never better. I missed you Jule.” Kai answered snuggling into Julian’s side. The pair simply laid in bed enjoying being next to the other, forgetting where they were and that they were supposed to be in the lobby with the rest of their national team teammates.

The knock at the door startled both of them. “I’m not coming in because I do NOT want to know what the two of you have been up to for the past hour but the England guys just got here and you need to come downstairs and at least pretend to care about the rest of us!” Can yelled from the hall.

Julian and Kai slowly got themselves put back together and tried to hide the evidence of their extracurricular activity, though most of the team was probably fully aware of what had gone on in the hour and a half they had been gone. When they slipped back into the hotel’s lobby, they were met with knowing looks and smirks from their teammates, but no one said anything.

The rest of the day Kai and Julian spent time with their friends and teammates after having been away from the international game for so long. When they finally made their way to bed for the night, both were exhausted. Julian laughed when he remembered the way they had left their room.

“Let’s move the suitcases off the clean bed and sleep in that one for the night, because I don’t know about you, but I’d really rather not sleep in that.” Julian commented pointing at the bed from earlier.

Kai laughed and started to clear off the second bed. “I need to talk to you Jule. It’s about Chelsea” he said as he removed the suitcase from the bed.

Julian came up behind Kai and put his arms around him, resting his chin on Kai’s shoulder, before asking, “Is it done Havey? Are you leaving? When?” Julian tried to keep the pain out of his voice.

“Not done yet. Any day now. Chelsea and Leverkusen are just working out the payment structure. My agent texted me just before you got here today that the clubs agreed on a fee. He said to be ready, the call could come at any time. Low knows.” Kai felt Julian stiffen behind him. He turned in Julian’s arms to face him. “I promise you’ll be the first to know when that call comes. It’s going to be so weird being so far away from you and not being in Leverkusen anymore. I’m going to miss you so much Jule. But I’m also really excited! This is a dream.”

“I’m happy for you Kai really! It’s just going to be odd with you so far away. I’ll miss you.” Julian really did want to be happy and thought he could speak it into existence. Kissing Kai, Julian attempted to rid himself of the guilt he felt. He wasn’t happy for his boyfriend, not really. He was angry Kai was leaving Germany when he could have stayed, but Julian was determined to get over it without Kai ever finding out.

Kai pulled away and got into bed. “I’m tired Jule. Come on let’s get some sleep. Don’t know how many more nights like this we’ll have before I have to leave.” Julian followed Kai into bed and curled up with the younger man. “I love you Jule, you know that right?”

“Yes, and I love you too Kai, so much.” Julian responded. It wasn’t long until Kai was asleep. Julian wished he could sleep too but sleep never really came. He wanted nothing more than to kidnap Kai and force him to sign for Dortmund too. That had been Julian’s dream a year ago when he moved to the Black and Yellow. Even Bayern would have been better in Julian’s opinion. But Kai had made his choice. And as much as Julian hated it, Kai had every right to choose Chelsea. Hell, the kid, Christian, that Dortmund sold giving BVB the money to buy him, had gone to Chelsea and bossed the Premier League, or that’s what his teammates told him. He was supposed to be given the #10 shirt even. So, Julian couldn’t blame Kai for choosing that team, but he _hated_ it anyway. And as much as he tried to be supportive, it was slowly killing him.

* * *

The call finally came. Kai figured everyone knew from the way he ran out the room to take the call without a glance at anyone, even Julian. His plane to London was leaving that night. His agent was going to contact the national team staff to let him go. His job was to be ready for the car to the airport in a few hours.

Back in his and Julian’s room Kai pulled out his phone and texted Julian.

Kai: **That was my agent. Come up to our room**

Kai never checked for a response. He just started gathering his things making sure he wasn’t forgetting anything. He thought it would it be worth it to take a shower before he left too. He was mentally running through what he needed to do when the door opened, and Julian walked into the room. Kai spun around immediately and gave him the biggest smile ever, “It’s done. I’m going to Chelsea. I leave tonight.” Kai couldn’t contain the excitement. He was practically bouncing.

“I’m so happy for you Havey! They’re going to be so lucky to have you!” Julian hugged his boyfriend and forced the words out. Seeing how happy Kai truly was, made pretending a little easier for Julian, but deep down he really wasn’t happy at all. “Need any help packing? Are you going to tell the rest of the guys?”

“Yeah, I’m going to get a shower. Before I tell them, I mean. I need to calm myself down a bit first. As for packing, I never really unpacked, so I think I’m good to go. If I forget something you can always send it to me or bring it over yourself.” Kai added with a wink.

Julian laughed at that and shook his head. “You are something else Kai Havertz.”

“But you know you love me, Julian Brandt.” Kai snaped back with a kiss.

Julian deepened the kiss and held on to his boyfriend for dear life. He didn’t want it to be their last kiss for who knew how long, but something told him it would be. When he finally broke it leaving Kai’s lip swollen and kiss bitten, Julian looked into Kai’s eyes and spoke the words he never wanted to hear himself say, “I love you so much Kai Havertz and I am going to miss you like crazy, but I am so proud of you. You deserve this so much baby.” The lie at the end hurt Julian almost as much as Kai leaving. “I’m going to go back to the lobby and let you get ready for your flight.” Julian left the room before Kai could say anything back, but he heard Kai call after him, and his words broke Julian’s heart.

Kai was suspicious of Julian. It wasn’t like him to run out of the room like that. When Kai overcame his shock at Julian’s sudden exit he called “I love you too Jule!” The door clicked shut and Kai felt odd. He was sad and excited at the same time. It was an odd feeling for him. Getting a shower made him feel better but he was still confused by his boyfriend’s reaction.

Walking downstairs everyone turned to look at Kai. Julian pushed Kai towards the front of the group and helped him onto the table. Kai looked around and took a deep breath, “I am leaving tonight to head to London to sign my contract with my new club, Chelsea.” The team erupted in applause and congratulations.

Timo was the most excited of Kai’s German teammates and shouted at the top of his lungs, “I get Havey all to myself now!” Julian glared at him and Timo laughed. “Don’t worry Jule, he’s still all yours in the bedroom!” Julian’s face turned bright red and Kai laughed harder than he had in a long time. Kai jumped off the table and wrapped his arms around Julian.

“I love you Timo, but the only one in my bed is Jule!” Kai held Julian tighter and Julian buried his face in Kai’s chest. “I’m going to go say bye to my boyfriend in private now guys! I’ll see you next month.” Kai left his arm around Julian and dragged him upstairs laughing the whole way. When they got away from everyone, Kai said “You should have seen your face Jule! You went from jealous, to angry, to embarrassed so fast!”

“Okay enough with the making in fun of me Havey! I want to kiss you goodbye without underlying resentment!” Julian answered through his own laughs. When he caught his breath, Julian crushed his lips to Kai’s and pressed his back to the wall. Kai moaned into the kiss and it fueled Julian even more. The vibrating of Kai’s phone alarm was what finally broke the two apart. The car would be at the hotel to pick Kai up in ten minutes. Julian moved away and fixed Kai’s hair before pressing a last light kiss to his boyfriend’s lips.

“Got your suitcase? Bag? Everything packed up?” Julian asked suddenly feeling sad.

“Yeah.” Kai picked up his suitcase and bag and took Julian’s hand. “I wish you could be there when I sign my contract. It’s not going to be complete without you there.” Kai confessed to his boyfriend.

“You don’t need me there, baby. And I’ll be there in your heart.” Julian was honestly glad he wouldn’t be there. He didn’t think he could hide his face in the pictures, and everyone would know he wasn’t happy for his boyfriend.

Downstairs the national team waved as Kai got into the car. Julian smiled and waved, but as soon as the car pulled away, Julian went up to his and Kai’s room. His friends tried to talk to him, but he brushed them off. Back in the room he put music on, laid on his bed, and tried to forget about what the headlines would be in the morning. Kai’s scent on the bed sheets only made Julian’s heart hurt more.

* * *

In London, Kai was exhausted. It had been a long few days between doing all the promotional work at the club, signing his contract, and touring the training complex and stadium, even meeting some of his teammates not on international duty. The club had arranged for him to look at some apartments and houses as well. Kai had liked one house in particular, it was close to where Timo had gotten a house and where the American that came from Dortmund, Christian, lived but he had a few more to look at in the next few days and he wanted to wait until he saw all of them to make his final decision.

Laying on his hotel bed and scrolling through his messages, Kai was becoming disappointed. His phone was full of messages from everyone he knew, except Julian. Jannis had sent Kai a long text and even Jascha had sent his congratulations, but the Brandt brother Kai wanted to hear from the most had said nothing.

Kai blamed the exhaustion for his rash thinking, but he opened his phone and called Julian without even sending a text first. When Julian answered on the first ring, Kai smiled.

“Hello Kai.” Julian was short, and clearly angry.

“What’s wrong with you Jule? Did something happen?” Kai asked confused.

“I don’t know Kai. Is there something wrong? It’s not like my boyfriend decided he wanted to go run off to another country and leave me or anything. Or that he had options in his own country close to me but no he _chose_ the one furthest from me. So clearly my boyfriend who has said he loves me doesn’t actually love me now does he? So yes Kai there is something wrong.”

“Julian, you knew I’ve always wanted to come to the Premier League, and you knew this was too good an offer to pass up. I told you everything from day one and you never said anything about wanting me to turn down Chelsea. I never put any pressure on you when you were making your choice last year. You chose Dortmund, you could have come to England too. But you chose to stay, I chose to go. Don’t put this on me.”

“Kai you’re missing the point! I don’t want to do this anymore. You made your choice, fine. Now I’m making mine. You left me. That’s that. Have fun in your new life in London.” Julian hung up the phone and Kai stared at it before breaking down in tears.

Without thinking about what he was doing Kai blocked Julian’s contact. Through his tears, Kai texted the man from the club helping find a place to live and told him he wanted the house in the same neighborhood as Timo and Christian. Then Kai muted Julian on every social media platform he had. With tears still running down his face Kai texted Christian and was grateful the young American was fluent in German because English was out of Kai’s head at the moment.

Kai: **I’m getting a house near you and Timo!**

Kai: **We should hang out sometime and get to know each other better. I could use some friends here**

Christian: **Yeah bro! You play Fortnite?**

Kai: **Hell yeah!**

Christian: **We gotta play. You, me and Timo. When the international break is over let’s have at it! Mason and Tammy play too by the way**

Kai: **Oh that’s cool! I’m really looking forward to meeting everyone.**

Christian: **They’re all great! You’ll love them.**

Kai: **I’m sure I will. Well I’m going to go to bed, it’s been an exhausting few days, but I wanted to thank you for welcoming me. It means a lot being so far away from home. I know you understand**

Christian: **Of course bro! See you soon**

Talking to Christian had slowed Kai’s tears a bit, but putting his phone down, they just came faster again. Kai didn’t even try to fight them this time. Letting the tears run down his face, Kai remembered all the good times he had with Julian and his Leverkusen teammates. Eventually Kai cried himself to sleep. 

* * *

Julian laid on his bed in the hotel, thankful Kai had never been in this particular hotel. He was angry when Kai had called. Being alone for the past few days had left him bitter and frustrated. Hanging up on Kai was stupid, he knew it and he regretted it. It had only been 5 or 10 minutes when he tried to call Kai back. When it went straight to voicemail, he figured Kai called someone else to vent. So, he texted him instead

Julian: **Kai, I’m sorry**

**Message undeliverable**

Julian: **Kai?**

**Message undeliverable**

Julian: **Kai? Did you block me? I’m sorry Kai.**

**Message undeliverable**

Julian: **Havey?**

**Message undeliverable**

Julian: **I love you Havey. I’m sorry I got upset, I just miss you, and I know that’s not an excuse, I’m so sorry baby**

**Message undeliverable**

Julian started to panic. He knew he fucked up. Julian picked up his phone and called the one person he could think of, Jannis. Jannis answered on the second ring and as soon as he heard his brother’s voice Julian started crying.

“I fucked up Jan. I really fucked up. I was so angry and hurt and jealous, and I ruined it. He hates me now. God why couldn’t I just be happy for him! All I had to do was be happy for him!” Julian’s tears were coming faster now, and his voice was breaking but his volume was rising.

“Jule, what did you do? Who are you talking about? Kai?” Jannis was truly very confused.

“Yes Kai. Of course, it’s Kai! He called me a few minutes ago and I was angry and frustrated and said a ton of shit I shouldn’t have. I told him I didn’t want to do the distance anymore and I told him it was his fault for choosing to leave. I hung up on him Jan. Then he blocked me. I tried to call him back and apologize but it just went to voicemail and so I tried to text him, and I got ‘message undeliverable’ every time. Jan he’s the best thing in my life and I fucking ruined it! He hates me Jan! I made the love of my life hate me!” Julian was sobbing uncontrollably now.

Jannis didn’t know what to say, and he was conflicted, so he just said what he felt. “Julian. You’re my brother, but Kai is my friend too. And right now, I’m honestly pissed off with you. Why on earth would you say that to a man who has never EVER done anything but support you? Would it have killed you to show even a fraction of that support back to him? I know you’re upset he left Germany, but you act like it wasn’t going to be hard for him too! You weren’t the only one that was going to be lonely. And I know you’re in a lot of pain now, so I’m not going to get too angry with you. But I’m also not going to lie to you. Honestly, Jule you fucked up. But that said, this is Kai we’re talking about. I don’t think it’s over over. It might be over for a while but give him some time. He loves you Julian and you love him. Eventually things will be okay.”

“I hope you’re right Jannis.” Julian said as his tears started to slow.

“Me too Jule. Go to sleep and maybe in the morning you’ll feel better. I love you Jule, even though I’m mad at you.” Jannis told him.

“I love you too Jan. Goodnight.” Julian really didn’t want to get off the phone with his brother, but the yawn from Jannis on the other end confirmed the late hour.

“Goodnight Jule.” When the line died after Jannis said goodnight, Julian’s tears started to flow freely again.

A knock on his door within minutes would have normally been suspicious for Julian, but he didn’t think anything of it tonight. Opening the door with tears still streaming down his face, he saw Emre Can. Julian moved back into the room and Can followed closing the door behind himself. Julian sat on his bed and Emre sat down next to him before speaking. “I don’t want to pry, but the walls are thin, and I heard you on the phone with Jannis. You don’t have to tell me about it if you don’t want to. I heard everything you told your brother anyway, so I already have an idea of what happened. But if you want to talk or want someone to sit with you while you cry, whatever you need, we’re here for you Jule. We’ve all fucked up in relationships and us older guys remember when Mario and Marco went through their whole situation with the Bayern move. Whatever happened between you and Kai has nothing on that one I assure you.”

Julian hugged Emre before taking a deep breath and speaking. “Thank you Emre. But for now, I think I just want to be alone and go to sleep.”

“Of course, Jule. I’ll let myself out. If you need anything, let me know. That goes for when we’re home too, okay?” When Julian nodded, Emre got up patting the young midfielder on the back, before leaving the room. Julian’s head was pounding, but he was asleep before he knew it. Meanwhile on the other side of the wall, Timo had started and deleted countless messages to Kai having overheard the same conversation Emre had.

* * *

Kai woke up in the morning with a massive headache. He took painkillers and hoped it would go away soon. He remembered the tears the night before, and knew they were the culprit. Kai checked his phone after a few anxiety filled minutes, not sure what he would find. The first message he saw made his heart drop.

Jannis: **Kai, I just got off the phone with my brother. I know I’m probably not the person you want to hear from, and I know my brother is the one who hurt you, but you’re my friend and if you need to talk, I’m here.**

Jannis: **I’m sorry my brother was an asshole**

Kai: **I don’t really want to talk about it right now Jannis. I’m sorry, but thank you**

Jannis: **I understand Kai. I can’t wait to get out to London and see you. I have so many shoot ideas, if you still want to do that when things clear up**

Kai: **Of course! Let me get settled and I’ll get back to you**

Jannis: **Sounds perfect Havey!**

Kai was relieved that Jannis didn’t hate him too. He didn’t know what he would have done if he lost Jannis and Julian in the same 12-hour period. The next notification that caught Kai’s eye made him panic almost as much as the one from Jannis.

Timo: **Kai call me**

Timo: **Actually don’t call me. The walls are thin, Julian could hear**

Timo: **I heard Julian on the phone with Jannis earlier. I’m so sorry Kai.**

Timo: **We’ll talk when I get back and I’ll get the story from you, assuming I don’t kill Julian before then.**

Kai didn’t bother responding to Timo. He just laid on the bed and tried to make out patterns in the celling. After laying there for anywhere between a few minutes and a few hours, Kai’s phone went off. The club had gotten everything set up for his house, he just had to go sign the papers. Getting up he washed his face to remove the tear stains from the night before. The meeting was just going to be in the hotel’s lobby, so Kai wasn’t in a hurry. The paperwork was easy and surprisingly quick. Kai figured when he was as well-known as he was renting a house wasn’t very hard. What surprised him the most was that they told him he could go ahead and move in.

Kai was thrilled. It only took him an hour to get his things packed up and get out of the hotel. When he got to his new home, Kai thought he might feel better. And he did in the smallest of ways. Julian had never been in this house and had never even seen it. Kai liked that, it was free of the pain he had come to associate with his old house and hotels. The first thing Kai thought to do was text Christian.

Kai: **Bro I just got moved in down the street! Well as moved in as you can be when you only have a suitcase**

Christian: **That’s awesome! And so true**

Christian: **Do you need to go to the store? I can come over and pick you up. I have to go anyway, it’s not a problem**

Kai: **That would be really nice actually! There’s literally no food or like anything here.**

Christian: **If you need to get furniture and clothes, we can do that too!**

Kai: **You really think of everything**

Christian: **I’ve done this twice now! At least I speak German and you know English because not knowing anything about the language makes it a lot harder**

Christian: **Which house is yours? I’m on my way**

Kai: **The last one in the back. You’re fast**

Christian was pulling into Kai’s driveway not five minutes later. Kai got into the young American’s car and smiled. Christian smiled back and asked where Kai wanted to start. The two made their way all around various shops in London laughing and helping each other pick out items for Kai’s new house and Christian’s gaming room. Kai and Christian clicked like they had known each other for years. By the end of the night, Christian’s car was filled with groceries, furniture, clothing, and the various random items they saw and decided to buy.

After their shopping Christian took Kai to one of his favorite London restaurants. Siting in a back room away from the public, something told Kai to open up to his new friend. “Thank you for today Christian. I needed it. My boyfriend dumped me last night because I came here instead of staying in Germany and I thought I made a terrible mistake in coming, but I really enjoyed today and if the others are as amazing as you say, I’m going to be really happy here.”

Christian blushed. “I’m sorry Kai. I can’t imagine how you feel today. I’m glad I was able to help, even a little bit. This really is a great place and I know I’m glad you came. You’re going to fit in so well.” Kai smiled and changed the subject. If Christian noticed the abrupt change in topic, he didn’t say anything.

After their dinner, Christian took Kai home and helped him get all of their shopping put away. Kai was grateful for the help and the company. He really didn’t want to be alone. That was the only reason he could think of for asking Christian if he wanted to stay and watch a move with him, despite it being extremely late. Kai was surprised when Christian agreed eagerly. Kai picked an action movie he knew he had seen before; one he knew had no romance in it. Within the first 20 minutes Christian had fallen asleep, Kai was slightly jealous of the American’s ability to sleep, but it wasn’t much longer before Kai was asleep too.

Kai and Christian were both at Kai’s when Timo arrived back from international duty. Kai knew Timo wanted to talk about what happened, and Kai wanted his new friend there too. So as soon as Timo told Kai he was on his way, Kai texted Christian to come over too. Kai could tell Timo was skeptical of having the conversation with Christian there, so Kai started the talking. “Christian knows just about as much as you do about what happened. Julian broke up with me because I chose to come here instead of staying in Germany.” Kai didn’t attempt to fight the tears anymore. He had grown used to them.

“What did he say exactly Kai?” Timo asked grabbing Kai’s hand.

“He told me he didn’t want to ‘do this’ anymore. And that I didn’t love him because if I did, I wouldn’t have left. And he said that I made my choice and he was making his, which was to breakup with me. And then he hung up on me and I blocked him.” Kai was fully sobbing by the end of his explanation and Timo pulled Kai into a hug. Christian gently rubbed circles on Kai’s back.

Through his sobs Kai continued, “I just want to forget about him and work and play and try to pretend I don’t hurt. I just want to start over. I’ll never truly be whole again, I know that. Julian was my everything, but I want to enjoy Chelsea. I just can’t be alone, or I cry, and I feel so bad, but I love him so much. I still love him. After he said I didn’t love him, and he broke up with me, I still love him, and I miss him, and I want him. It doesn’t make sense. So, I just try to forget. Even for a little while. I want the season to start. We play so many matches so quickly I won’t have time to worry about it anymore. And maybe I’ll be too tired to cry myself to sleep anymore.” Timo and Christian didn’t say anything and let him cry.

When Kai’s tears finally slowed, he saw a glass of water and tissues sitting on the table. Kai looked at Christian and said, “thank you” wincing at the sound of his own voice.

Christian took Kai’s hand. “Whatever you need, I’m literally right down the street. Call me and I’ll be here.”

Timo added, “You know I’ll be right beside you. Whatever, whenever, just call.”

Kai didn’t trust his voice, so he hugged his two friends and for the first time, was truly excited to start on his adventure at Chelsea. He lost Julian in the process, but he gained an amazing new friend in Christian and was becoming closer to Timo and that made him feel better. He knew the pain wouldn’t go away, but he had people in his corner, and that was more than some got.

* * *

Julian was glad to be back in Dortmund. He wanted to put the international break behind him and get away from a place that did noting of remind him of Kai and of what he did. The fight had taken its toll on Julian and he had hoped by now Kai would have reached out. It had been a week. Kai never stayed mad at him that long. Julian had tried to reach out himself, but he was still blocked.

Walking into training the first day back, Julian cursed Marco’s ability to read him. Not in the mood to talk, Julian brushed Marco off and went over to the English speakers. Julian wasn’t good at English and they weren’t good at German yet, so Jule figured he could avoid unpleasant conversations and maybe pick up some English or teach them some German in the process.

Jadon, Erling, Gio, and Jude were surprised when Julian joined their little group, but none of them complained. By the end of the day, the five of them had developed a bit of a rhythm and were working quite well together. Julian liked not having to worry about talking about his actions. And the boys were really genuinely quite fun to be around. Over the next few days Julian continued to spend his time in training with them, even playing video games with them some nights, but Julian was also aware of Emre and Marco watching him closely.

Julian wasn’t really all that surprised when Marco showed up at his house one night, though the inclusion of Mats did catch him off guard. He had been expecting something, however. He also figured word about what happened with the national team had gotten back to the pair of captains. His strange behavior over the past week had not helped the suspicion, he was sure. Letting them into his house and sitting down in the living room, Julian waited for one of them to start.

Julian was surprised when Mats spoke first. “We heard what happened between you and Kai. I know this is hard for you Julian. We don’t need to know the details of what was and wasn’t said or anything like that. That’s not why we’re here. We’re worried about how you’re doing, and Marco wanted to offer some advice. I know Emre told you, but you’re not the first to get upset about his boyfriend’s transfer. You weren’t in the national team yet when Mario went to Bayern to know, but I know you’ve heard the stories. So just know you and Kai aren’t the first and lord knows you won’t be the last pair to hate each other over a transfer. But here’s the thing Jule, every time it’s worked out. It just might take longer than you’d like.”

Marco nodded. “When Mario told me he was going to Bayern, I lost it. I told him a ton of shit. I called him a traitor, told him I hated him, accused him of cheating on me, accused him of being after the money, all kinds of shit. He lashed out at me in response and called me a bunch of shit too. I can’t even remember what all he called me now, but I do remember he kept repeating how selfish I was being. I remember that one the most, because it was true. Mario remembers me calling him a traitor the most because there was a bit of truth in that too. That’s the thing Jule. A lot of whatever you and he said was just anger, but some of it was brought out by your genuine feelings. And those feelings are valid. I did feel betrayed when Mario went to Bayern. And he was hurt at my selfishness. You’ll have to work through those feelings and sort out what was pure anger and what was said because of what you truly felt. That will take time. And you both have to heal on your own before you can work through some of it together. It took Mario and I six months to be in the same room with each other. But we got there, and you and Kai will too. In the end you’ll be stronger. This part of our lives is so short in comparison to what comes after it. You and Kai will get past this bump like Mario and I did. I promise Jule.”

“I don’t really know what to say right now.” Julian answered.

“You don’t have to say anything. We just wanted to share some experiences with you so you would know you weren’t alone. Now come on, you’re coming to dinner with us because you need to get out of the house for a bit.” Mats answered.

Julian went with them willingly. Over the next few days he stopped avoiding his German national team teammates so much and started trying to focus on their season. Julian watched Kai from afar. When Kai made his Chelsea debut Julian had tried to call him, but his call didn’t go through. When Kai scored his hattrick, his first, Julian wanted to be the one celebrating with him, but instead it was Timo. Jule texted Kai without thinking.

Julian: **I’m so proud of you Havey!!! A hattrick!**

**Message undeliverable**

When Julian saw the automated response, he felt tears sting his eyes.

Julian: **Kai I’m so sorry. Please come back to me. I miss you. Please baby**

**Message undeliverable**

Julian threw his phone on the floor in anger. He was angry at himself for pushing Kai away, he was angry with his phone for not sending the stupid messages, he was angry with Kai for blocking him, he was angry at Timo for being with Kai when he wasn’t, but mostly he was angry with himself. Julian knew the anger was just a part of healing, as Marco called it, but he didn’t feel like he was _healing._ Julian slammed his front door shut and started to run. He didn’t remember making a conscious decision to do so, but he ran until he couldn’t anymore, and he walked the rest of the way back home. He fell asleep on his couch still in his sweaty clothes, thankful he had the next day off.

* * *

A hattrick. Kai had _finally_ scored a hattrick! He was so excited, and his teammates were equally as excited for him. Christian, still being out with his hamstring, was hanging around on the outside of the celebrations, but he had a huge smile on his face. Timo, however, was the life of the party. Kai was swept away in the joy and excitement of the moment, and even forgot about Julian.

When Kai, Timo, and Christian all headed home in Christian’s car, Kai asked them to come over so they could all hang out and help him find a place for his match ball and man of the match trophy. Christian declined the invitation, as he had to be at the training center in the morning for rehab, but Timo accepted.

Inside Kai pulled out bottles of vodka and tequila and poured shots for both of them, “Come on Timo let’s party!” Despite his better judgment, Timo went along with Kai’s plan.

About an hour later, Timo was seriously regretting getting drunk. Both he and Kai were shirtless, Kai’s tongue was in his mouth, Timo’s hand was in Kai’s pants, and worst of all, Timo _didn’t care._ He didn’t care he was about to fuck his friend’s ex-boyfriend. And he didn’t care that he was definitely just a substitute for who Kai really wanted inside him. Timo blamed it on the alcohol, but really, he did it because he couldn’t say no when Kai was hurting.

Timo removed the rest of Kai’s clothes and his own, which was made difficult by Kai’s inability to leave their lips separated for more than a few seconds. If Timo had any doubts about what Kai wanted, they were gone when Kai broke their kiss to tell him, “Lube in the drawer. Condoms too, if you want one. I don’t care.” If he had been sober, the last line would have worried Timo, but in his drunken state he missed it. Kai was kissing him again before he would have had a chance to respond anyway.

Timo tried to be as slow and gentle as he could be, but Kai had other ideas. “Timo just fuck me already. It’s fine I can take it. Like it better that way.”

“Don’t want to hurt you, Havey. Can’t risk the hattrick hero, Lamps would kill me.” Kai didn’t argue with that and let Timo properly take care of him. Kai tensed when Timo finally did push into him, but if he hurt Kai, Kai didn’t say anything.

“Fuck me, please Timo. Please, want to feel you tomorrow.” Kai’s words were enough, and Timo fucked Kai as hard as he had ever fucked anyone, but Kai still kept begging for more. When Kai moved one hand from Timo’s ass to his own dick, Timo knew they were both close. One particularly well placed and forceful thrust had them both coming. Timo collapsed on top Kai’s stomach.

When they both settled from their highs, Kai kissed Timo again. “Stay please? Don’t want to wake up alone.”

“Of course, Kai. I can’t exactly go home in this state.” Timo replied, pulling out of Kai, removing the condom he did use, and grabbing some tissues to clean up their mess. Kai took Timo’s hand and showed him to his room. They fell asleep on opposite sides of Kai’s bed.

When Timo woke up the next morning in a strange bed, the memories of the night before came back to him. Kai’s hattrick, the party in the dressing room, coming back to Kai’s, getting drunk, and fucking Kai. Timo slipped out of Kai’s bed feeling extremely guilty.

He went to the living room and gathered his clothes up, putting them back on before making tea. He got Kai a glass of water and painkillers, taking some himself too. Timo’s head was killing him, and Kai had significantly more alcohol, so Timo wanted it ready to go when Kai woke up.

The next thing Timo knew he had to do was apologize to Julian. Even though the two had broken up, and therefore Timo and Kai technically did nothing wrong, it still felt wrong. And Timo didn’t want Julian to find out some other way. Kai still had Julian blocked, and Timo respected that choice, so if Jule were going to find out from the source, it would have to be from Timo.

Timo: **I’m sorry Jule. I was drunk. He was drunk. He scored that hattrick and things got out of control. I feel so bad, but you can’t really be mad at me since you’re not together anymore**

Julian: **What are you talking about? Is Kai okay?**

Timo: **I don’t know if he’s okay, probably hung over and sore. He’s still asleep. He was okay last night though**

Julian: **What happened last night? You’re confusing me and scaring me…and what do you mean I can’t be mad you and also Kai and I ARE together! I mean I said a lot of shit and he’s upset, and he blocked me, but I didn’t break up with him! We had a fight. We’ll work it out**

Timo was panicking. Kai and Julian’s situation was more complicated than he thought, and he had absolutely made it much worse. Timo felt like he was about to throw up and it was not from his hangover.

Julian: **TIMO WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT!**

Timo: **I’m so sorry Jule, you’re going to hate me, but he said you broke up with him. I know I shouldn’t have, I’m so so sorry**

Julian: **OH MY GOD**

Julian: **YOU SLEPT WITH HIM DIDN’T YOU!!!**

Timo: **yes…**

Julian: **I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU!**

Julian: **What the fuck where you thinking!?!?!**

Timo: **I wasn’t**

Julian: **Damn right you weren’t!**

Timo: **Look Julian, the only reason I even told you was because I know you and Kai, and I love you both. But Julian when you told him “I can’t do this anymore” and hung up on him, what was he supposed to think? You broke up with him, even if you didn’t realize it. You and he are not together right now. I honestly believe you will get things worked out eventually, I do. He loves you too much. He cries about you all the time. That’s why I told you about last night, and I’m sorry. I should have stopped it, but I didn’t. And you know something Julian? He wanted you last night. But you weren’t there. So, he turned to me, because I was. That’s all I was last night Jule, a stand-in. A stand-in for *you*. He asked me to stay because he didn’t want to be alone. He mumbled your name in his sleep.**

Julian: **I’m still pissed Timo**

Timo: **I knew you would be. But please try to understand the reasons for what happened**

Julian: **Don’t do it again, or I will punch you.**

Timo: **I won’t. I promise. I’m sorry I let it happen last night**

Julian: **I just, I miss him so much, I’m afraid I lost him for good**

Timo: **You haven’t. Not yet.**

Timo: **I can hear him upstairs; I’m going to go check on him. I’ll talk to you later. See you in a few weeks**

Timo put his phone in his pocket and went upstairs.

Kai was coming out from the bathroom when he saw Timo in the hall. He smiled as much as he could bring himself to when his head felt like a bomb had exploded inside it, a fact he eanted to share. “I feel like a bomb went off inside my skull. Thanks for the painkillers, I took them already. And thanks for staying.” Kai told him.

“Of course, Kai. How are you feeling otherwise? I didn’t hurt you, did I?” Timo asked a little worried.

“I’m sore but no you didn’t hurt me. I’m fine. My head is in much worse shape than my ass.” Kai said with a laugh followed by a wince. “Don’t make me laugh that makes the head hurt even worse. I honestly didn’t know that was possible. I don’t think I’ve been this hung over in a long time. I bet Christian’s glad he went home.” Kai added.

“I bet he is. Don’t think shots and fucking is really his thing.” Timo laughed, then turned serious. “I know you probably don’t want to talk about this right now, but we can’t ever do that again. And I know this is going to piss you off, but I told Julian this morning. I know you aren’t together right now, but it’s still wrong Kai.”

“I know Timo. And I’m not mad. It shouldn’t have happened and I’m sorry. Also, I don’t really care if Julian knows. Like he said, I made my choice and he made his.” Kai’s tone told Timo he truly meant what he said.

Over the course of the next hour the pair ate, cleaned up, and relaxed until they started to feel better. When Timo left, Kai went back to his room and finally broke down. He felt a lot of things. He was hurt that he had slept with someone that wasn’t Julian for the first time in his life. He hated that he liked the feel of Timo’s lips and his hands. And Kai hated that the whole time he was with Timo, he wanted Julian. He knew Timo knew it too. But what hurt Kai most of all was that Julian was far away and didn’t want him too.

* * *

Julian was shaking in anger. Timo had _slept_ with _Kai_! Julian really couldn’t process that. He was the only person Kai had ever been with. And Kai had thrown it away for one night with a man who was not only their friend, but their teammate! Julian was so angry, and he tried so hard to avoid reacting badly with Timo, but the longer he sat and thought about it, the angrier he got. He knew he would regret his actions, but he grabbed his phone anyway.

Julian: **Kai how the fuck could you do that to me!**

**Message undeliverable**

Julian: **I fucking hate you right now. HOW THE HELL could you do that to me? Timo Really? Is that why you went to Chelsea? To fuck Timo?**

**Message undeliverable**

Julian: **Fuck you Kai. Fuck you. You can run off and do whatever the fuck you want. I hate you and you obviously hate me too**

**Message undeliverable**

Julian: **You clearly don’t want anything to do with me, fine. Fine. I know I hurt you, but why do you feel you have to keep hitting out at me too?**

**Message undeliverable**

Julian: **Kai, anger aside, why? Why did you do it? Why did you let him fuck you?**

**Message undeliverable**

Julian: **For fuck’s sake Kai unblock me so we can talk about this shit**

**Message undeliverable**

Julian: **I don’t want to lose you for good Kai. At least give me a chance to fix it instead of fucking Timo**

**Message undeliverable**

Julian: **Fine then, fuck Timo and forget about me.**

**Message undeliverable**

By the end of Julian’s anger filled texting to no one, he was in tears. Not really sure what else to do or who to talk to, he called Jannis, but only got his voicemail. Julian wasn’t going to leave a massage but couldn’t bring himself to hang up, and he ended up leaving a message anyway. “Jan, I wish you picked up. I need you bro. Kai slept with Timo last night and it really fucking hurts. I’m so mad at him but I know if I hadn’t said that shit, he wouldn’t have been with Timo in the first place. But I’m so mad at him. I even texted him despite the fact he blocked me! Jan I’m losing it. I need you, bro, I just feel so alone.” Julian hung up with tears running down his face.

Laying on his couch letting the tears fall, Julian scrolled back through his messages with Kai. Way back when they laughed about all the stupid stuff they did. Back when they were happy. When Kai and Julian were the only two in the world. It only made Julian’s heart hurt more. Closing the messages with Kai, Julian saw texts from the day before with Marco. Without thinking Julian called him. Marco picked up on the first ring.

“Jule! What’s going on? You okay? You don’t usually call.” Marco’s concern was evident in his voice.

“I need to ask you something. If it’s too personal or you don’t want to answer that’s okay, but when Mario left for Bayern and you two weren’t talking, did you ever sleep with someone else? Like full on fuck someone else? Did Mario ever do that?” Julian hoped his question didn’t give too much a way.

Marco sighed on the other end of the line. “Yes, Jule. I did. Mario never did, but I slept with several people over those months. I thought it would make me forget the pain. I’m not proud of it, not at all. I know it hurt Mario a lot. Made him question a lot, especially….especially when I slept with Mats. That one was hard for him. The three of us are friends, and when Mario found out it crushed him. It was hard on Mats too and I felt so badly about it. But I needed a friend and Mats was there and I hadn’t been with anyone since Mario told me he was going to Bayern. Mats and Mario had a big fight, I fought with both of them, it was a horrible, horrible situation. Mario and I weren’t technically together at the time, but that didn’t console any of us. I don’t know why I slept with more people after Mats, given how I felt, but I thought if they were strangers it would be easier. It wasn’t. It just made me miss Mario more and more and made me feel worse because no one could fill the emotional void, which is what I was really looking for. If you’re thinking about sleeping with someone to get over Kai, Jule please learn from my foolishness and don’t do it. It will never work. I don’t want you to go through what I went through if you can avoid it.”

“Not me Marco. In this situation, I’m Mario. Kai and Timo…Timo texted me this morning. He and Kai celebrated Kai’s hattrick together and Timo and Kai…” Julian couldn’t get the words out. He hoped Marco understood.

“I see. Kai and Timo are me and Mats.”

“Yes. Timo said he felt really bad about it and that he shouldn’t have done it. But he did do it and it fucking hurts. Kai is mine or was mine. Timo said Kai wanted me and called himself a stand-in, but what if I was the stand-in all along and Timo is who Kai really wanted?” Julian’s thoughts were just spilling out. “What if every time I was with him he wanted Timo? Why did he do this to me? Why doesn’t he love me anymore? Did he ever love me? Why do I love him so damn much? Marco why did I have to be so selfish and fuck up the best thing in my life?” Julian was crying by the end.

“Jule, I don’t have the answer to all those questions, but here is what I do know. Kai loves you and has loved you for years. Don’t doubt that. I’ve been where Kai is, and Timo is right. Kai had one of the biggest days of his life and if you had been there, would you not have celebrated in bed? Kai wanted what you would have given him. Timo was just the man in front of him when he couldn’t call you. Timo was there and Kai need comfort. I can tell you right now Kai was hurting because he wanted you. It wasn’t about love, Julian. It was about pain and forgetting and comfort. Trust what Timo told you about it.” Marco paused and took a deep breath, “For me and Mats, I had just had a terrible match and I felt completely undesirable. Mats came over to make sure I was taking care of myself. He was just being a friend and I ended up sleeping with him because I wanted Mario to hold me and tell me everything he loved about me like he used to do when I was upset over a bad performance, but Mario wasn’t there. And so I _begged_ Mats to fuck me. It’s probably the worst moment of my life. And I’m sure Kai isn’t feeling much different than I did, Jule.”

“So, what do I do?” Julian asked.

“Train hard, focus on what is right in front of you this very second, and talk to him in person on the next international break. You will be sharing a room too. I’m going to make sure of it. You two need to talk this out and if I have to force both of you to do it or moderate or pass along messages like some sort of old-school telephone operator than I will. But you two will be talking this out. We have Nations League. We need you two on the same page like always.” Marco didn’t mean to use his captain voice, but he did.

“Okay, I think I can do that. Just help me fix it please Marco.”

“I will Jule. Now do something fun for the rest of the day. Bye Jule!” Marco hung up leaving Julian to figure out what “something fun” he could do without leaving his house. Eventually he gave up and decided to clean. That was when his phone went off again.

Jannis: **Got your message bro. I’ll come up in a few days and stay with you for a while. But here’s the thing, I can’t imagine how hard it is to know the love of your life slept with someone else, but you also have to come to terms with the fact you pushed him into it Jule. I’m on a shoot so I can’t talk right now, but just think about that would you? Love you bro**

While everything Jannis had said was correct, and Julian knew it, it still pissed him off. And made him feel guilty. He tried to text Kai again.

Julian: **Kai I’m upset and I’m sorry for everything. Please Havey I want to talk about this. I miss you. I love you Kai, I’m sorry I hurt you**

**Message undeliverable**

Returning to his cleaning, Julian pretended he was okay, and focused on how things would be okay soon. The international break was coming up fast, and he would get to work things out with Kai. That bit of comfort was Julian’s sole motivator.

* * *

Kai was nervous when he arrived for camp. When he found out he and Julian were still going to be roommates, he flipped out. Timo had to help him calm down on the plane. The whole flight Kai just thought about how jealous he was of Christian since he didn’t have a national team camp to go. He wondered if he would get in trouble if he sent Christian in his place.

Walking into the lobby, Kai could see Julian in the background, but he avoided looking at his roommate. Kai quickly said hello to his teammates and went up to his and Julian’s room. Walking in, he was surprised to find Julian sitting on the bed waiting for him, but he really shouldn’t have been.

“Hi Kai. Can we talk please? There’s so much I need to say to you.” Julian pleaded with Kai.

“Why Julian? So you can tell me I never loved you? Or yell at me for making a choice for my career? No Julian, no. I’m not going to listen to you destroy me again so you can get some kind of sick satisfaction out of trying to mess me up so much I can’t enjoy my time at Chelsea.” Kai was starting to shake, and he could feel tears starting to sting his eyes, “No I’m not talking to you Julian. Please leave me alone. I don’t want to see you or talk to or anything.” Kai turned and forced himself to walk to the door, even though he wanted to run. “Goodbye Julian.” The door slammed shut behind Kai.

Kai was thankful Timo’s room was on the floor above his and Julian’s room. Kai forced himself to walk up the stairs and knock on Timo’s door in a completely relaxed and unsuspicious manner. Timo opened it immediately. “He was in your room, wasn’t he? I figured so I kicked Toni out until I tell him he can come back. He’s with Leon and Serge now, until I tell him otherwise.” Timo ushered Kai into the room, then closed and locked the door. “If someone knocks, we pretend not to be here, and let them leave. Sound good to you Kai?”

“Very good. Thank you, Timo. I don’t know where I would be without you.” Kai confessed laying on what he presumed was Toni’s bed.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Timo asked.

Kai exhaled before beginning. “He said he wanted to talk to me, and I said I didn’t want to know what he had to say because I didn’t want to hear him go on about how I never loved him and how I left him. I’m already hurting enough I don’t need him to just make it worse. I told him I didn’t want to know because I didn’t want to listen to him try to hurt me so much I couldn’t even enjoy being at Chelsea. I just don’t want to hear it Timo. I don’t. Julian can think that shit all he wants, but I don’t need to hear it.”

“You don’t need to hear that Kai, you’re right. But are you _sure_ that’s what he wanted to say to you?” Timo asked.

Kai laid on Toni’s bed and thought back over the past few weeks. He thought about what Jannis had told him, and Timo, and even the occasional messages from Marco and Emre. They all led Kai to one conclusion, “No. No I’m not sure that’s what he wanted to say.”

Timo nodded. “I want you to try something for me, Kai. Unblock Julian. At least long enough so that every message he’s sent to you over the month can come in. I tried it last night with Marco. We both think you need to do this. We found out when you unblock someone, all the messages they try to send while you had them blocked, will come through. At least it did for us. Please try it Kai?”

Without saying anything, Kai pulled out his phone and unblocked Julian. A part of him wanted Timo’s idea to work, and a part of him didn’t. Kai put his phone on do not disturb immediately after. “I need to work up to actually looking at it.” He explained. “You talked to Marco about it?”

“Yes. Marco has been with Julian a lot through the past month, like I’ve been with you. And Marco went through this with Mario when he went to Bayern. I know it’s hard to believe now, but the stories the older guys tell about it, makes you and Jule look like you’re fighting over pizza toppings or some shit.” Timo laughed at his analogy and was relieved when Kai did too.

After some comfortable silence, Kai said, “I think I’m ready to look now.”

“You don’t have to tell me what he said, Kai. But I’ll be right here if you need me.” Timo moved so he was sitting right beside Kai. Kai was grateful. When he opened his phone, sure enough every text was there, and there were a lot. Kai took a deep breath and started reading.

Julian: **Kai, I’m sorry**

Julian: **Kai?**

Julian: **Kai? Did you block me? I’m sorry Kai.**

Julian: **Havey?**

Julian: **I love you Havey. I’m sorry I got upset, I just miss you, and I know that’s not an excuse, I’m so sorry baby**

Julian: **I’m so proud of you Havey!!! A hattrick!**

Julian: **Kai I’m so sorry. Please come back to me. I miss you. Please baby**

Julian: **Kai how the fuck could you do that to me!**

Julian: **I fucking hate you right now. HOW THE HELL could you do that to me? Timo Really? Is that why you went to Chelsea? To fuck Timo?**

Julian: **Fuck you Kai. Fuck you. You can run off and do whatever the fuck you want. I hate you and you obviously hate me too**

Julian: **You clearly don’t want anything to do with me, fine. Fine. I know I hurt you, but why do you feel you have to keep hitting out at me too?**

Julian: **Kai, anger aside, why? Why did you do it? Why did you let him fuck you?**

Julian: **For fuck’s sake Kai unblock me so we can talk about this shit**

Julian: **I don’t want to lose you for good Kai. At least give me a chance to fix it instead of fucking Timo**

Julian: **Fine then, fuck Timo and forget about me.**

Julian: **Kai I’m upset and I’m sorry for everything. Please Havey I want to talk about this. I miss you. I love you Kai, I’m sorry I hurt you**

Kai didn’t need the date and time stamps to know when Julian sent every message. He read the last one three or four times before he out his phone down and burst into tears. Timo had his arms around him in an instant. Neither knew how long Kai sat there crying, and neither said anything Eventually Kai pulled away with an “I’m going to go back to my room and go to sleep I’m so tired. Toni, Leon, and Serge probably want to go to sleep too.”

“Okay Kai. If you need to, just come up here and pound on the door until I let you in.” Timo got up with Kai and walked him to the hotel room door, giving him a crushing hug before Kai walked backed down to his and Julian’s room.

When Kai walked in, he saw one lamp still on. He assumed Julian left it on for him, and Kai was appreciative. With the light from it, Kai could see Julian asleep in the far bed. As quietly as he could Kai slipped into the near bed. He tried not to make a sound as tears ran down his face at the thought of sleeping alone even when Julian was only a few feet away from him.

Across the room Julian was only pretending to be asleep. He heard Kai come in and heard him get into the opposite bed. But nothing broke him more than hearing Kai crying almost silently, and knowing he was the reason for it.

When Julian woke up in the morning, he was determined to talk to Kai, about anything. He just wanted to get some words out of him, preferably words that weren’t fueled by anger. Julian’s hopes were quickly crushed, however. Kai was already gone. A quick look around the room made it clear Kai was gone for the day. His training bag was gone, shoes, phone, everything. Julian cursed his ability to sleep through everything.

All day Kai avoided him. Anytime Julian saw him he was surrounded by Timo, Toni, Leon, and Serge. Julian did his best to avoid all five of them, as well as Marco and Emre. He knew the latter two would press him about talking to Kai, and he really didn’t want to deal with it. It was a stressful day for Julian. Avoiding half the team was not easy.

After dinner, he noticed Marco, Timo, and Emre talking to each other. Then Timo walked off to Kai and Marco and Emre went over to him. “Come on Jule. There’s something you need to do. And yes, it is talk to Kai.” Marco was very matter of fact. Julian didn’t argue and followed his captain, noticing Kai being led along by Timo. The look on Kai’s face told Julian he was dreading this conversation. Marco stopped them outside a small office or conference room. “All right. You two need to talk and since you didn’t do it on your own yesterday, we will make you today. You don’t have to like each other at the end of this, but I do need you to be able to work together at the same level as you used to. Understood? Now don’t kill each other and if you fuck each other in there, I don’t want to know” Marco opened the door, pushed the two men inside and closed the door. Timo, Emre, and Marco turned and walked away.

Inside the room, Kai looked smaller than Julian had ever seen. Julian hated it and started talking without thinking. “Kai I am so sorry. I never should have said those things to you. I really was hurt that you were leaving Germany instead of staying but I was afraid if I told you how I felt when you were thinking about Chelsea you would have gotten mad at me, so I pretended I was okay with it. But I just kept getting angrier and when you left and I really was alone, it just multiplied that much more. When you called me, I was just so angry and I made up a ton of shit to hurt you, because I was hurt. It’s not an excuse I know. I should have told you from the start, but I didn’t and then I got too mad and said stupid shit and yeah Kai, I’m so sorry. But then you blocked me and fucked Timo and I only got more pissed off and I started to question if you ever did really love me. And why Kai? Why did you sleep with Timo?” Julian didn’t realize how much he had held back until it all started coming out.

Kai took the opportunity to defend himself when Julian took a breath. “I slept with Timo because I needed someone, and he was there. Because on the biggest night of my life so far you were gone. You told me you didn’t want me anymore, and when all I wanted was you, you didn’t want me. So, I celebrated with Timo instead, and the whole time Julian, I wished he was you. You know how much that hurt? I had slept with someone who wasn’t you for the first time and all I wanted was you. And what about Timo? I hurt him too, he knows I didn’t _really_ want him that night. How did I make him feel? Probably terribly. It was stupid Julian and I’m sorry that hurt you. I didn’t go to Chelsea to be with Timo Julian, I think you know that. And I don’t like Timo like that at all.” Kai was crying now, “I just wanted to feel something again Julian. You told me I never loved you and that hurt so much. You know I love you; I’ve always loved you. And do you know how hard it is to make sense of still being in love with you, when you said all that shit? I know now you didn’t mean it, but then? I doubted if you ever loved me at all Julian. Just why didn’t you tell me you were upset sooner? I got your texts last night Julian. From when I had you blocked, and I know now how you felt. And I’m sorry too.” Kai’s voice broke and the tears were coming too fast now.

Julian wrapped his arms around Kai and held him as tightly as he could. Tears were running down Julian’s face too. “Kai shhh. It’s gonna be okay I promise. Baby, please believe me when I tell you how sorry I am for all of this. I never ever wanted to hurt you like this. Never ever. I love you Kai and I always have. Please believe me Havey. I’m so sorry. Forgive me Kai, please.” Julian begged Kai with tears still running down his face.

“I do Julian. I love you too. Please forgive me too. I’m so sorry I hurt you.” Kai’s voice was shot, and he clung to Julian like his life depended on it.

“I do Havey. Of course, I forgive you.” Julian held Kai even tighter, hoping his boyfriend felt safe in his arms again. They stayed like that for a long time crying out all the tears that had built up over the previous few weeks.

Both were exhausted by the time they stopped crying. Getting up together, Julian took Kai’s hand and they walked together back to their room. Once inside Kai crawled into Julian’s bed, Julian felt a few tears in his eyes as he joined Kai pulling him close once again. “I missed this so much Kai.”

“I love you Jule, I don’t want to be anywhere else.” Kai answered.

“You called me Jule again” Julian’s heart was full hearing Kai use his nickname again, and he decided to push it and kiss Kai. Kai kissed him back and both got lost in the feeling. “I love you too Kai.”

Lying in bed together Kai and Julian finally felt some peace. Both knew one conversation wasn’t going to fix everything. They knew it would take time to get over what they had done to each other, but this was a start, and everything has to start somewhere.

**Author's Note:**

> If you guys liked this, or I get bored again, I might write a prequel for Mario and Marco's transfer fight. If you want that let me know, I make no promises though. Comments make me happy, so if you liked it please let me know! I write these for fun so they're not the most thought out and there will be consistency errors act, so basically please don't be too harsh.


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